i should have left with dignity.

there was a time when i thought i was an insider. i thought i knew all about him, that given any minute of the day, i knew what he was thinking or what he was doing. that was the level of love or obsession or whatever you choose to call it. to imagine the extent of trust i had in him..monumental. and slowly all this started trickling away from me. sometimes, it was like i was living in a hazy world with images shifting...and by god, the images would always be those of last october. somehow, time froze for me in that frame and i was happy to be living there, bound by those walls demarcating my existence, if it aint for my expectations. and when sometime this year, i realized the stark reality, that i was hooked and there was no way out, not coz he bound me, but coz i was bound, i should have left with dignity. getting kicked around umpteen no. of times ached...it still does when i think back.

i should have left with dignity. even now, i keep repeating to myself the same line. now, when i look at him, i see an intricate web of responsibilities and duties that surround him...n him amidst all tat, satisfied at the pace of his life. n i beckon to him as an outsider begging to be taken in...for i know, i am hooked. he just leaves the door ajar for me- neither does he shoo me off, nor does he invite me in. may be i am not wanted around.

today, in my 20th year, i feel like an old broad. there was a time when my presence was felt like a breath of fresh air. but today, i know i am different. i haggle, i crib and worse of all, i reminisce about a long lost golden age. i feel i have aged years over the last 14 months. i know i am not loved or respected anymore. i know i destroyed it all with my own hands. i know...

i should have left with dignity.

songs of hope...

serrated borders leading to perdition, a moment's mishap ending a beautiful existence in damnation! what came after? a parched land-a desert of confusion without drift, an innocent soul entrenched in a cage of epees. life seemed valueless, betrothed with eternal pathos...
and slowly, she woke up. a vine of hope, a thread of virtue in a land of vice. she shone like an apparition yielding manna. she grew with strength, building on the ruins of the day before. breathing in your thoughts, singing in your arms, seeking your gaze, yearning for your love and dancing to the rhythms of your mind, she awaits a day when she becomes a part of you..