there was a time when i thought i was an insider. i thought i knew all about him, that given any minute of the day, i knew what he was thinking or what he was doing. that was the level of love or obsession or whatever you choose to call it. to imagine the extent of trust i had in him..monumental. and slowly all this started trickling away from me. sometimes, it was like i was living in a hazy world with images shifting...and by god, the images would always be those of last october. somehow, time froze for me in that frame and i was happy to be living there, bound by those walls demarcating my existence, if it aint for my expectations. and when sometime this year, i realized the stark reality, that i was hooked and there was no way out, not coz he bound me, but coz i was bound, i should have left with dignity. getting kicked around umpteen no. of times ached...it still does when i think back.
i should have left with dignity. even now, i keep repeating to myself the same line. now, when i look at him, i see an intricate web of responsibilities and duties that surround him...n him amidst all tat, satisfied at the pace of his life. n i beckon to him as an outsider begging to be taken in...for i know, i am hooked. he just leaves the door ajar for me- neither does he shoo me off, nor does he invite me in. may be i am not wanted around.
today, in my 20th year, i feel like an old broad. there was a time when my presence was felt like a breath of fresh air. but today, i know i am different. i haggle, i crib and worse of all, i reminisce about a long lost golden age. i feel i have aged years over the last 14 months. i know i am not loved or respected anymore. i know i destroyed it all with my own hands. i know...
i should have left with dignity.
6 comments:
Sahithi,
Every love at first is like a beta release of a software code. It gets tested, it fails N number of times and then the bugs are fixed before it goes perfect and stable. Love takes the same cycle. Infact you can't trust the love tht's never tested for bugs. Your love has been tested and it came up with unusual/usual bugs and now is the time to fix the bugs in the right way.
Probably you are confused about the fixing part. Worse if you know there is something wrong but dunno where exactly it is goin wrong. Programmers go through same kinds of frustration. Well, if it's 10,000 line buggy code or a 14 months of screwed up love the feeling of helplessness is inevitable.
So in that case when it seems impossible take some time, have a cup of coffee, watch few movies, sing and dance. Forget the code. Throw it away for it's buggy. Open a new text file and rewrite it all over again.
On the other hand if it is a short sweet October stint and the code is mere 100 lines,clearly understandable one, and which makes it clear to you where the problem lies, I think it's a pretty easier life to just look at it patiently , take help of other good coders and solve the the problem. I dunno but to me knowing what the bug is and where the bug is makes me believe I am almost done with my perfect code. In your case a perfect love.
Also if you find a bug that means you have learned something new and so are less prone to encountering it again. If nothing works learn from me. I can teach good coding in just a month. You are very beautiful.
-Rahul
the message n advice i understand. but what is the significance of the last sentence? ;)
Well you should have got it everytime I call you on your no. You didn't seem to get it. So now go check your mail.
-Rahul
Okay...all tht was a joke.
Well I am already committed to a gal who is also my classmate.
-Rahul
Who the hell in this world is without failures? Motivate yourself. Keep aside this putrid humanity and this bastard society. Spit on this world of weakness build on debasing rules... walk with confidence and smile.
Your writings are awesome. Keep writing...
When we are not in it, we talk wise words of letting go, moving on and so on....but it is when u r leaving it that it is the most tough...the more emotions we have invested into the relationship the tougher it becomes to leave with dignity...so I dont take lightly the problem faced here....I have faced problem of leaving a relationship of a few months and you are talking of 14 months which is a long time....
When the question of dignity arises...remember that you have been courageous to risk loving someone, without any commitment of that nature from that person...that courage is admirable.
No easy answers...but believe in God....maybe ur destiny is to a different and even a better one than this.
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