i should have left with dignity.

there was a time when i thought i was an insider. i thought i knew all about him, that given any minute of the day, i knew what he was thinking or what he was doing. that was the level of love or obsession or whatever you choose to call it. to imagine the extent of trust i had in him..monumental. and slowly all this started trickling away from me. sometimes, it was like i was living in a hazy world with images shifting...and by god, the images would always be those of last october. somehow, time froze for me in that frame and i was happy to be living there, bound by those walls demarcating my existence, if it aint for my expectations. and when sometime this year, i realized the stark reality, that i was hooked and there was no way out, not coz he bound me, but coz i was bound, i should have left with dignity. getting kicked around umpteen no. of times ached...it still does when i think back.

i should have left with dignity. even now, i keep repeating to myself the same line. now, when i look at him, i see an intricate web of responsibilities and duties that surround him...n him amidst all tat, satisfied at the pace of his life. n i beckon to him as an outsider begging to be taken in...for i know, i am hooked. he just leaves the door ajar for me- neither does he shoo me off, nor does he invite me in. may be i am not wanted around.

today, in my 20th year, i feel like an old broad. there was a time when my presence was felt like a breath of fresh air. but today, i know i am different. i haggle, i crib and worse of all, i reminisce about a long lost golden age. i feel i have aged years over the last 14 months. i know i am not loved or respected anymore. i know i destroyed it all with my own hands. i know...

i should have left with dignity.

songs of hope...

serrated borders leading to perdition, a moment's mishap ending a beautiful existence in damnation! what came after? a parched land-a desert of confusion without drift, an innocent soul entrenched in a cage of epees. life seemed valueless, betrothed with eternal pathos...
and slowly, she woke up. a vine of hope, a thread of virtue in a land of vice. she shone like an apparition yielding manna. she grew with strength, building on the ruins of the day before. breathing in your thoughts, singing in your arms, seeking your gaze, yearning for your love and dancing to the rhythms of your mind, she awaits a day when she becomes a part of you..

wayward caprices

it pays to be busy!!

this is the tag i have been sporting on my gtalk since the last few days. to the result? none what so ever!!! how am i busy? good question! jinkys!! i got no answer. i am reading "ancestor's tale" by dawkins, but thats not being busy. i am paying profs a few visits, got a new set of glasses, been blogging quite often (god save my poor readers!!!)..aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand..............and nothing..
whoa..n i still call myself busy???!!! someone teach me English!!!

101 F chest congestion..

sounds more like asl on net rather than my health condition!!! this has been my woeful situation since the past few days and i ve been out painting the town red, sans an ounce of trepidation. ma's pulling her hair off, dad's twirling his moustache and me? i aint bothered at all!!! fever rocks..especially when its accompanied by golgappe from sweet india every evening!

of princesses and pigs!

this one is on special request. human psychology has t that an individual feels the need to be craved for by his/her loved ones. and once the craving starts, there is an increasing requirement of being pursued and subsequent displays of attention seeking gimmicks. now, all this chutzpah is fine and acceptable when it comes to the female establishment, but when the guys start displaying all this nonsensical attitude, the answer is simple - "to hell with you"
especially when such cheek comes from pigs to princesses. :P

a tale of a few tresses..

cabbage, feather, laser, V, step, layered, U, blunt, flat with fluffs and modern (lakme prefers to call it advanced) these are a few voyages my curled tresses wanted to venture on. i have been contemplating on this since the last two years and made a few advancves in that direction too. but the results were disastrous. first time, lakme lost power owing my entry into their saloon for a feather cut. next time, it was do up. the lady dint know what she was doing with my hair - i said cabbage. she concluded step.result: i lost my temper and they lost their customer. third time was blue moon's turn. i entered and exited coz they dint have modern on their menu.
so there..
bottom line : pa concluded that long curly hair is a superb asset and i am sticking to it! dads are awesome :D

jill jill jiga...jill jill jiga..

uff...this song has been persistently going in my mind since the last few days. so much so that i was caught in class with it ( mind u- not humming it, but with my hand dancing for it in an imitation of rap). it has got a great beat real good lyrics. and we girls decided to sing it as our group song this year. cool!!

new pet??!!!

it was there when i entered the washroom last week. i tried neglecting it, coz it was tiny. i thought it would go away. it has been there all week long, and now it has carved out a niche for itself there. actually, woven its web. a creepy eight legged. i hate creepies. but this one seems to be there all the time. first, i thought it was a "he". yesterday, i decided it is a "she". coz i see it is preggy. i am christening it "spinny". welcome to the family! (aaj hum chaar se paanch ho gaye)!!

just not my day...

god must have had a Machiavellian sense of humor today. for heaven's sake, i've never been through 24 hours in my life that were this shitty. i had a proverbial "iron leg" today, not counting the three near accident experiences. and worse, i lost my game against pa!!!
7 26 n i get to reiterate my fate to a lifeless blank monitor with no pals to hear my grievances. n the travesty is, i have umpteen number of missed calls on my mobile!!! uff!!!
it's just as the saying goes... "every dog has its day"...today just wasn't mine. :(

what do i want?

three days ago, if asked, i would have a perfect answer to this question. i had everything i wanted from life, listed out with surprising lucidity. and that was exactly when things started going topsy turvy with me, till i banked at a levee of fate, where i no more have an idea about what is happening with me. it is really surprising to see how just 2 days of unplanned activity can create chaos. now i see havoc pullulating from all the directions. and i realize woe begone, that i have practically no reigns of control.

god save me!!

back to pavilion..

more than 2 months since i blogged...
i realized tht pretty late n now, i am back to reclaim my..uhm...blog (?!!) [not that someone snatched or stole it from me]..
n now..as i sit down in front of me keyboard...i realize i have nothing to speak on.
me..the articulative maniac..me..the most verbose humanoid...
n i have nothing to say..
what is the world coming to?
will there be a day in the near future, when i become reticent, humble n pragmatic?
a nuclear war is a better prospect!!!
god save the world..
amen!

perverse strings..

no strings...lots of frills..
this is what i am looking for..so y is there a dearth in the male establishment to satisfy this meager of requirements..???
i mean for all practical purposes..what i am asking for is the barest of the bare minimums..

intelligence
looks
attitude
well read bookish knowledge
bucks
wit
humor
sensitivity
smartness
sincerity
trust
honesty
some sarcasm
a dimpled cheek
most probably a cleft
awesome biceps
a bulging purse
a phd(preferably)
some style
a gourmand knowledge
love for mythology
belief in palmistry...
....
...
...
...
punctuality
writing skills
lucid articulation
n ofcourse,...loads of love for me

see...the list is so short..(dont mind those dots in the middle...google guys objected the addition of tht matter thr..they thot i was gobbling up a lot of space)..

why isnt thr a mr. prince charming around???!!!

god save me!!!

life's lessons..(yee haw...alliteration at last!!)

1. a male homo sapien clearly resembles a sow ( male pig) in its attitude embedded with oodles of chauvinism, bordering on being called a zealot.

2. a female homo sapien, although logically has to resemble a swine in its attitude, paradoxically is more related to a female dog( am evading the usage of exact term. i condemn the usage of profainity in my blog space :D). she is highly prone vicissitudes and prudery as far as her behaviour is concerned in the presence of a male.

3. the union of the above mentioned species results in pristine angels with a beatific minds, which in the later stages of their lives get polluted due to their environment and their peers. these offsprings then transmute into the sows or b*****es depending on their sexual orientation.

4. those individuals with the most maximum sadistic disposition become lab assistants in engineering laboratories, especially the elec labs.

5. however enticing a person might seem initially,nnnnnnnnnnnever...mind u... never ever get into a relationship without a prior courtship period of a minimum of 6 to 8 months. donot befriend ppl from online sites n trust them so much that they get to influence you.

6. try to invent a waterproof cell phone as soon as possible in the near future because, the phone actually starts ringing the moment u get into the bath.

7. ur seamster/seamstress will end up destroying only those dress materials which would cost you an arm and a leg. donot castigate them, they are after all average homo sapiens.

8. have one person in life on whom u can lean on, everytime there is a crisis. have another substitute down the sleeve too...who knows, what if both of u end up needing a comfi shoulder at the same time, the substi might help.

9. donot smoke or drink. they are known to kill you early. that can be very dangerous. who is going to live all the while to educate the spouse on hell and its related features and teach the kids tarzan acts???

10. meet ur school pals atleast once in 3 or 4 years. that will give you an idea about how much you have grown... both in the bank balance details and around the waist.

11. donot rub your suggestions on the children. let them decide their own destiny. who knows, u might end up influencing them if u lend them a piece of ur mind. biiiiiiiiig disaster!!! they might end up being nincompoops just like u..!!!!

12. tell ur loved ones how much u care for them. express ur love by letting them do petty chores for u ( in the case of women, u might let ur husbands do the dishes, wash the linen, press the and ur legs and bathe the kids often...might help..:P).

and the unlucky
13. this one has a lot of truth in it.
nothing that occurs in ur life is the result of ur efforts. life just happens to u...n u happen to live it. the dunderheads watch it passing by...n stare. the slightly clever ones...take the ride..

have fun...

1. which song is being played in ur mind rite NOW!
ee malik tere bande hummmmmmm....( no big deal if u dint know this...its a retro hit from "do ankhe barah haat"...gurudatt's .. :)...started singing this whn i saw my fate ws to write a blog entry when i had a schedule running at break neck speed!!)...btw...u cn substitute ajan for "malik" in the song ;)

2. one song that describes ur life.... (no self made compositions please!)

"so gaye hai...kho gaye hai..."dont bother abt this one too...a very lil known rahman's creation from "zubeida"...wonderfully made movie n an awesome song...
karisma simply rocks in the movie...ravishing and beautiful!!!

well well...the reason why i chose this song is its the theme for the movie...it shows the development of a silly girl "zubeida" into a matured individual...

3. the song u listen to most on ur i-pod/ MP3/ cell/ PC/ etc
well.....it kinda changes every now n then...bt a few songs which i do hear pretty frequently are...umm.."subhaha subhah" from raincoat...shubha mudgal's "mausam gulaal leke"..."feeling blue" from pyaar ke side effects...n "khoon chala" from rdb...

4. a song that describes best the foll stages in ur life:

- school days..."ee sala.." rdb...that ws the phase when i ws discovering myself...wt i am capable of n the effect i hv on othrs lives...bullshit!!1...neways, stuff like tht..

- love : to b honest, the original "tagged" questions had "friends" here...not love...i put it thr coz i cud type in my fav song there..."hosh walon ko khabar kya"...one of jagjit singh's masterpieces...

- ur mood rite now!!!.................................................umm...no songs depicting a tempestuous mood...am drawing a blank there..sorry :(

5. your all time favorite song, nd the reason for it... mebbe some memory/ some funny story/etc!!!
"aa chal ke tujhe"...daddy's song...ma fav lullaby..
i mis u pa.. :(

6. a song u wish u hadn't heard!!! (more than one is always a pleasure!!!)
any hr creations...god damn all those sufi worshippers...u got better singers than himesh with his yucky poseur attire n a nasal oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.... (puke puke puke)

7. a song that would best describe..... me
(hey, i took pains to tag u, i guess i deserve this ;-) )
ummm...problem goes like this...i ve neva known ajan personally...not so much as spoken to him evn thru net...bt i cn put a finger on...ummm....tht credits song of "dexter's lab"..u know the cartoon one...with an occasionl "beep beep" from the "roadrunner"!!

sorry ajan..tht ws exactly wt played in my mind...u cn crucify me for being this honest on a public platform.. :P

8. (i jus cudn't miss this!!!) If, u were in an elevator with Himesh Reshammiya and Altaf Raja, you would..........
(plz plz plz..... something funny!!!)
cud i request for a wad of cotton for my ears?????
umm..i cud get hr to learn sm tips from altaf...now u c how badly i hate him???!!
i put him below altaf!!!
(sniggering...!!)

ok...ummm...i tag ajan, pranava, praneeth n jagan...

and if u dont know how to go about a TAG, here's how -
-copy these qns and paste them on ur "create post" window
- ans these qns in the same post
-POST it (duh!!!)
and yea, you can then choose to tag sumone else, or the person who tagged you, with same set of qns or new qns!!!

ENJOY PEOPLE!!!

my...whims...

u know..it kinda happens sometimes, that everything u see or hear has a specific pattern in them that keeps repeating.. with me, it occured today. every other blog i visited had an entry.."my likes"..or "what i hate"...
seeing this made me feel handicapped (for some silly reason that i cannot explain rationally)..
anyways...so i decided my extensive reader circle (puff...look who's talking.. :P) shud have something funny to read abt..especially concerning me..

since ppl have already stated abt their likes n dislikes quite honestly, i am planning to be a lil "hatke"..the following is a list of all the "wierd" things i like in life...the twist is..they r a bunch of big lies..mind u BIG LIES...

1. i love lizards..charming tongues, slithery bodies..( puke puke puke..that ws soooooooooo yucky..)

2. i love those "will u frandship with me...i like u...hi...hru?gimme ur no lets b frends" kinda ppl from orkut..they are so endearing..friendly..so outgoing..all those guys wanna talk to u just on the basis of ur profile from a stupid site.. so intelli..wonderful ppl...

3. i have a particular penchant for ppl who misspell their words.."sai ram nudels".."kesar badam ise creem"...or those who wreck havoc with their marvellous english vocabulary.."saraswati plaza..backside of titan showroom"...man..just wonderful...

4. ooooooooh...getting push msgs (hot n sexy rakhi sawant photos...click to download!!) n my dum networks calls at 3 35 am in the nite, just when i am ready to slip into deep slumber is so cool...no words can describe tht feeling..."airtell intoduces hello tunes offer..." ya..pay 30 or 40 bucks every month so that the fellow who gives u crank calls every now n then can indulge himself in the exotic tunes u offer...

5. this one..i dint tell u...go to college on a bleak saturday afternoon for some godforsaken lab class..find no one in the college..run to the office n then find a half torn paper hanging on the notice board..
"college holiday" on the account of some ex vc's death three days ago....... shucks.....

6. the best one of course goes something like this..study an entire semester abt a subject i amnt remotely interested in..n then..on the day of the exam..find out that every question in that paper is..outta syllabus...
mind blowing..(this actually transpired..last sem..dme..i hate engineering..!!!)

statutory warning: if u find them funny...have ur share of laugh...if u find them dum..be considertae enuf to navigate away from the page. donot bother to tell me that i seem stupid..i already i am a nincompoop in certain spheres of life.. ;)

luv..unconditional...

...keep still my heart...
ask not for peace,
whn care may suit thee best,
nor ask for joy, nor love,
not even rest...
but be content to love,
whatever betide...
and love will bring thee,
to love's side...

am just a heart beat away...

fear not, fear not,..
am not far away...
think not, think not,..
tht i am far away...
look up into the sky,
n i am in the sun's amber rays..
see the path infront of u,
n i am the sparrow in ur way...
feel the rain drops on u,
for i am in the clouds grey...
close ur eyes n think abt me..
u cn see me rite before u...
coz i am just a heart beat away.. :)

y..o..u...

u r a thought, u r an idea,
u r a dream, u r my magic...
u r the beautiful spur of imagination,
u r the haunting song of the night,
u r the genle gurgle in a kid's laugh,
u r the sunshine after the rain,
u r a dew drop on the red rose petal...
u r the mid summer night's ecstacy...
u r my passion,my want,my desire,
u r my spark...u r my ambition,
u r the spartan's last mile to glory,
u r stallion neighing in symphony...
u r the innocence in a lamb's bleat,
u r the mirage in the scorching heat...
u r an abstractness making me smile..
u r the warmth after my worst nightmare...
u r that idea triggering security..
u r the incarnate of fatherly maturity...
u r a shadow lurking in the dark,
u r the picture drawn in the water,
u r the constellation i see in the night sky,
u r the voice tht answers my silence,
u r an incohorent imagination of the night...
whn will u become the reality of my life?

love...

arden, fruitless, parched and barren,
i see no life about me...
trudging over the barbs of pathos,
with no happiness in vicinity....

futile, they told me to go in search,
for love is something that cnt be reached.
i heeded no words,
let no wisdom convince me,
determined i set upon the path...

the journey was hard, the hardships were great,
for the path after a while was yet to be made.
no mortal hath dared to set upon what i had,
for no reward was worth, a farewell to life, bade...

on and on, i moved,
one step at a time,
for i was on the brink
of losing all hope...

time and again, i waivered
on the verge of giving up,
but the thought of reaching her
was my only talisman...

night and day, i relentlessly moved on,
and one spring, i saw the glimpse of life,
a tiny li'l sparrow, popping up and down on the grass,
my happiness knew no bound,
i never presaged the impending surprise...

a peck here, a two there, the tiny lark jumped
around the ground in concentration,humped,
and then without warning, took off into the sky,
carrying with it, my only hope to reach her...

i ran across the parched land and thru the snow,
for a yard, then two, and how many more,
i donot know!!!

n lo! the bird stopped and so did i,
what i then saw was the best to my eye,
the sparrow perched on a beautiful hand,
of my angel from the far-off land...

she is my only goddess..even today..,
with lips pink, eyes large and her laughtter gay,
her beauty was enchanting, almost divine,
she was charm and innocence personified!!!
and i wanted to make her mine...

the wind played with her hair,
her skin was creamy and fair,
her feet were petals of a rose,
for..behold...!!! she was none other than Love..!!!

she looked at me slightly amused,
as though my sight she was not used,
her eyes were questioning,
searching and playing, all at once,
her radiance was of a thousand suns,...

lecherous, lusty n full of greed,
i reached out to make her mine,
and puff!!!... evrything vanished,
the bird, the grass, the land and the life,
for i made a mistake and this was the fine...

wishing to possess Love
was my unpardonable error,
and i lost my angel
in my unwanted fervour!!!

i learnt a lesson, but paid a price high,
all i can do now is look back and sigh,
i should have loved her back,
celebrating her presence,
but wanting her all for myself,...
that was my impotence...

now i wander, for no reason apparent,
all the while searching,
for atleast a whiff of her scent.
again i see no life around me,...
only death n carillon...
for my eyes to see.

i see up and ask Him,
"what did i do to thee..?
for a fate so barren and lacking glee,"
"my son," he calls back,"i taught you a lesson right,
for u tried to capture her with all your might,
this will prepare you for a future of strife,
enjoy this with all ur heart...for this is life..."

little does he know that,
what He calls life,
without her,...my love...
i call it blight.

fruits of caprice...

even today, when i think of samy, i see her only as a two year old toddler, nt the 24 year old proffessional she has bcome. samy..or samyukta, my daughter, is the only family i have. my husband, shekhar died in a car accident when i had samy inside me. since then, i had to go through many struggles coz i had no family to help, but emerged out successful. being a successful interior designer, i can really pride myself of giving samy everything she wanted.in a way,i did pamper her.

samy always had a streak of arrogance in her character n sometimes i had to put down her whims with an iron fist. she wanted to become a proffessional singer when she was 13 n it took many a nights of fights to get her into professional course.today, she's into the it sector,but lots of times she wud just scorn at me for "forcing" her to get into a job which is fetching her a 5 digit salary.not getting into the minute details...i can safely say i had to keep a constant check on her most of her life. but samy's only arrogant...never stubborn. a few words of niceties...n she'd succumb like a lamb..

exactly an year ago one sunday afternoon,when we were at lunch.samy broached the subject she hated the most...MARRIAGE...i ws kind of urging her to have a look at a few guys around our circle...they were all nice, responsible,educated...in short..eligible guys..but my daughter always steered away the subject with great talent. so that day, when samy started talking about marriage n its implications, albeit in a casual tone...i was shocked n apprehensive at the same time. i think i knew what was coming...

samy fell for a guy..

before i cud broach the issue...samy came to me one nite when i ws clearing dishes..n blurted it out.."ma..i like smone"...n she went into the details..anil worked with her in the office..her colleague. she knew him for the last two years...n he is sensitive n nice n cheerful n stuff like that...i dint react to this..instaed said.."background?"..anil's family has 4 sisters..three to b wedded n one divorced...and a mother.u can imagine the shock it gave me...samy said i will get to meet the guy in 2 days..

true to that..anil came over for lunch the following weekend..the guy was charming,tall, fair n handsome..he had a perpetual smile sticking although he seemed very reticent..no wonder my garrulous girl liked him..he made an excellent listener when she bantered on.the evening went on fine..when we came down to desserts, i asked anil about his future plans..he said he ws doing an mba course thru distance eduction..n once he wud complete that, there ws a promotion for him...n his sisters' marriage???aaahh...that hit a wrong place...n samy gave him a vehement back up.."kya ma???why get into personal details???...his sisters r too young to b married..." (yeah..rite..)..lets nt discuss this now..

i cud see samy doodling with her fork..fetching him anything he wanted...n fussing over him..smiling n blushing n being vvvvvvery loquacious...god..i knew there ws no way out of this...she liked him genuinely...anil left..n me n samy got infront of the tv...she ws pretending to watch...but she wanted my reaction on anil..i mean..i knew this coz she was watching even the ads without batting an eyelid..finally i said.." he seems nice"..samy spoke.."he IS nice ma.."..

me.."he's got a big family"..
samy retorted.."i ve been alone all my life..it will b nice for a change if i lived with lots of ppl around me"..
me.."big families...big responsibilities"..
samy..."so who said i am still a kid...i cn take of stuff like tht.."..
me.."u rnt used to those kind of things baby.."
samy..."chuck ma...i can do it...cant u see...we love eachother.."..

the cat was out of the bag..samy loved him..n there was no way i cud push her off on that one..aftr all..she loved him..if she's gonna b happy with it..there was nothing i cud do..it was her life after all..i could just guide..i tried making her see sm sense..humph..not much use..

following week..i met anil's mother at their place..their's was quite a contrast to our custom designed mansion with bathtubs n a lawn..(i am nt a leading interior person for no reason)..anil's was a small individual house..built most probably in the 70's...quite old n peeling..the house had a derelict look on the outside...n the people inside were no different..middle class family..quite different from what samy knew at our place..

that nite, whn i got home..we got into a discussion..i objected.."u wont like it there"..n so on n so forth..samy listened to me for three minutes quietly n declared.."either u get me married to him..or i walk out.."..well...nice options..n soon..i gave in..next month..we had a "samyukta weds anil" board...haa...that was over..

with samy away..the house seemed pretty empty..two days n i got raving mad..that was when i decided to get away..i had an abroad trip planned for me..with luck i cud pick some overseas clients too...i gave samy n anil their honeymoon tickets(their wedding gift from me) n i pushed off..

5 months n 3 house designs later, i got home..all thru the time, i kept contact with anil n samy..but wasnt able to talk much.i dismissed the domestic help b4 i left, not knowing whn i wud get back..n the house was in shambles.after completeing the dusting, i called my daughter up n invited the couple over for tea in the evening.

samy n anil came in the evening.anil was his taciturn self.he spoke sm niceties n left immediately,quoting sm work.samy remained for a much awaited talk. when anil left, i asked samy, "so how's marital life baby?having fun??how ws the honeymoon?"..samy looked away..n aftr a fractional pause, said"fine..ma...ffffine"..before i cud probe further..she got up, walked to her room..glanced in.immediately, she collapsed onto her knees n started sobbing there.i rushed n pacified her.after a few minutes, she started speaking..

"kya happy ma?? there ws no honeymoon!!!"..i ws shocked..b4 i cud say anything, she went on.."u gave us tickets.but anil dint wanna go..he said the othr expenses wud b high!! everything has an amount of misery in it..we hv to save on everything,even on chocolates(samy loves chocolates) n my accessories. both of our salaries go away into vapour before the 15th of a month.everything has to b stashed away for his sisters.
we cant go out alone, smone or the other of the family will b tailing us n most of the time he doesnt want us to go alone.everything has to b shared with the family. when we talk in the room..smone or the other barges in saying..bhaiyya this..bhaiyya that..i have practically no privacy in that godforsaken house ma!!"..

i cudunt utter a word.."they r his family baby..u need to adjust".."what adjust ma..they r just so abominable..they know nothing about neatness.the whole house has a dilapidated look,everything gets strewn everywhere.buks, papers, clothes,they cant even hand their own towels out.they dont have separate combs too..yucky..!!"
samy went on.."ppl arent considerate at all ma..get up in the morning n start cooking..fix up sm carriers n rush to the office.anil's got a separate shift nowadays..so he goes at 11..n i hafta go by 8 30.we dnt get to talk much at all..
his sisters r such a noisy lot.all they do is watch tv every minute possible n eat.no one's is bothered about my existence..tomorrow, if i drop dead, nobody ll gve a shit..i am just a minor soul fulfilling the dreams of my workaholic husband..cooking..cleaning..washing..this is all i have in life!!"..

"even anil isnt the same..i thot his silence wud slowly give way to words..bt no..thats not possible..he comes in late at nite at 11..has a silent dinner n pushes to sleep..no gifts..no words of love..nothing..i amnt allowed to pamper him outside the room..what if his sisters see n feel bad??!!! that divorcee sister..megha..she wudunt lemme spend anytime with him..n even anil doesnt try much.i wish we wud b by ourselves in that house..all those people are driving me crazy.anil says he cant relax till he goes thru his responsibilites..n i know tht ll happen only when i start greying...!!"..

my daughter went on like that, way into the nite..b4 dinner time, anil came to fetch her. there was nothing i cud do..i bade them well n started contemplating on what samy said.
was it a mistake in my upbringing??did i pamper samy so badly??or was it anil's fault too..??

being the only child..she always had all my attention..i cud put up with her whims n caprice.she was always used to a spic n span house.she never had much to do..coz we were only two.she cud cook excellent thai n chinese food..but her inlaws like indian..
anil isnt a wrong guy too.he is nice n talented n work crazy.he just wanted to come up on his own.in short he had a lot of stings attached, and samy wasnt able to cope up with them.samy n anil rise from different backgrounds..n it is difficult for them to adjust..no wonder my daughter felt tormented..

its been 7 months since samy sobbed that day. all thru this while..i tried pacifying her..smtime i cajoled..sometime i explained that given time..things wud b rite..at a time, i even suggested their family move in with me..there ws ample space for everyone..anil declined quite rudely...i dint mind..my daughter did think a lot on this issue..but her caprice got the better of her..one moment, she wanted to adjust with anil..n give it a go..next..she wanted to give everything up...a couple of months later..the situation worsened..samy's mom in law started complaining how she cudunt put up with work..n anil bcked his mom up..bickerings went on for days together..with anil n his mom vs samy.guess that blew her off finally..i tried changing her mind..n pulling her off..but......

even today, when i see samyukta coming down from ger attorney's office, i see her only as a toddler, my chubby 2 year old. samy filed for a divorce..god knows if anil wants it too..my girl seems forlorn n sad.she made a sore mistake n both of us r suffering for it. she moved back in..n for once..my talkative princess..became a silent girl..life taught her a very hard lesson..but she is still learning..

sometimes i do feel i am to blame..may b if i counselled her better n got her away from that caprice, she wud have been a happy wife..or i shud have made her see that anil was from a world different from hers..i was always particular about everything samy wanted..her school, her college, her career, her dresses..everything..god knows why i let her have her whims in one of the most important issues in life..i see my daughter crying..n feel i am to blame..may b if i told her in the beginning..quite sternly, this wudunt have happend...may b not..
but i do feel guilty..


[the story is based on mrs.gudipati kanakadurga's "podarillu]

why cant women b from mars too???

the othr day, i was watching a b grade gult flick...the same old melodrama in a set...the same latak jhatak of the heroine...the only modernisation being that the entire story is set in a neo-software scenario...on the whole..the movie was quite entertaining...but there were a few points that made me to go on a thinking spree...

the entire movie was shot from a male chauvinistic pig's point of view (i am definitely not apologising to the male readers...if u find the lines i wrote corny...plz b nice enuf to navigate away from the page!!!)....the whole plot had the girl doing all sorts of mistakes n putting up an egoistic, headstrong behaviour...

there r several other movies of this genre...where the female protagonist is at the mistake end..take for example the dubbed movie "manmadha" whr a psycho maniacal fellow who, by the worst possible chance, is the "hero" goes on killing all those girls who "trick" men...

the problem with these kinds of movies, literature n other advertising media is that they portray the women as vamps giving them a pretty "bitchy" outlook... n worse..the whole social idea has shifted from the "man-is-bad-women-suffers" to "modern-womann-can-safely-be-called-bitch"..(plz forgive the profainity...dint mean to..)

i may sound n seem like a staunch feminist...but the point i am trying to make here is that its not just the girl's fault all the time...neither is it the guys fault...for starts...we can agree that it takes both the male n female to strike differences..so why is it that now a days women are being shown as pandora's sisters?????

in fact..its just a few decades since the women have emerged from the grimy kitchens to take on the "man's" jobs...we neednt have such gestures..driving us back..n its not that we have become tricky n cunning n beastly to torture the man into insanity..
for heavens sake..we still are living in a world where women led shrouded lives in the taliban regime...and where innocent kiranjit ahluwahlias have to go through ten years of domestic violence before fighting back...
it aint a blasphemy to consider the feminity to b equal to men..it aint wrong if the women come out to live their lives...no point degrading...with such gestures...
n there definitely is no harm in considering that women...along with men...are from mars!!