the nadir

it was a day when nothing would be right. swollen eyes dripping with tears saw the blue beach. everything seemed blank. it was like every other time, screaming a profanity and getting an irritating silence in reply. this time was none the different too. except... everything seemed distant. the night before was a cacophony of sobbing, incessant tears wetting the pillow. that evening was same too. a few mundane questions came forth, a few trite facts repeated, but instead of feeling banal, pathos weighted around the air.

finally, the d-question was sported : "do u need me?"
"ambiguity" came the reply. "equivocation, i can't decide".

the skies were bleak, but there was a yearning for a cloudburst. if only anyone would care to hear the dirge that followed. slowly, the steps were retraced. in spite of the predicament, a lot of indirect servility and begging ensured. but the answer was always the same : "i am not sure. i can't decide".

a rent heart went back into its shell. an elegy was silently playing in the mind. a desire to end all worthwhile tore the being into shreds. albeit consciousness abound, but so was grief. slowly, love saw retreat.

it was a moment when my self-respect lost its existence.
it was a moment when i hated myself the most.
not for getting confronted by ambiguity when i needed love, neither for my servility.
just the fact, that it was a deja vu.
it was a moment i would loathe till my end.
it was a moment i quote as my nadir.